ROSEMARY'S OTHER BABY

Crisis!

2010-03-03T16:50:00.002-05:00

I found this when I looked

in Sophie's doll house, thats a chicken in the pot on the stove and appears to be a child in the oven. Also her nursery rhyme score slipped on her non-report card. We are of course looking into therapy. Valerie

giraffe mural

2010-02-16T12:51:00.002-05:00

Sophie added the elephant to the mural. Her first mural. I am so proud.

I painted a new mural on Sophie's

new years resolutions

2010-01-15T10:12:00.009-05:00

Yeah, yeah I know, they never work but this is different. This year my friend Maggie talked me into a different kind of resolution. Each month we pick a resolution and work on it. January is NO t.v. month. The idea is to make better use of your time. I know you are thinking what could be more important than Law and Order, I don't know either, Maggie can be very persuasive, if you know her be careful not to look into her eyes when she is coming up with some new scheme. February is be more social month. for Maggie that means phone calls letters and emails for me that means having people over to my house. More frightening than you know as i am about 3 magazines shy of a guest stint on hoarders. We are also doing a month of clearing out clutter and a month of being more creative. Email me back if you would like to join the challenge. I know it seems very cliche but cliche's come about because often they are true. Maggie has a whole list of good resolutions but true to form i only memorized February as it was coming up soonest. January's resolution taught me two things first i am a cheater and second that i really do rush things with Sophie in order to see the opening of law and order. what a waste. She will be off at reform school before I know it and law and order will still be on. Oh and third my husband is a rat bastard. He keeps threatening to turn me into Maggie for cheating. But I would like to expand this list. Today on the today show, for those of you with real lives involving people over the age of four I will fill you in on what went on today. They had these four living Bratz boy dolls on talking about their bucket list . They were only 12 so predictably their list was longer than mine. But I still wanted to make a list, even at the risk of being trendy, of ten things that I would like to do before I die. and I would really like to see your bucket lists so Victoria, Marina, Cassie, Maggie, Dierdra, Sandy, Connie, Jennifer, Kat, Rachel and Laurie please send your bucket lists. I do not include bob in this because I am afraid that his list might contain things like never have to wade through a sea of laundry in the bathroom again, have something more exciting than a bologne sandwich for dinner, and never be told what I am thinking again. So here is my list. Not very exciting and very predictable but here are the ten things i would like to do before I die.

1. Write a children's book.

2. Visit Verenna Italy again,

3. lose 40 pounds

4. be a good mother to Sophie and a nicer wife to Bob

5 be braver about approaching people

6. visit Yellowstone

7. Drive cross country in my van

8 fix my van

9. participate in an art show.

10. Go on a mission trip with Cassie to help people.

bad day at black rock

2009-11-20T14:10:00.007-05:00

The flooded basement with my red pajamas floating by.

Well it finally happened, the whole tower of lies came tumbling down. There I was at the library responsibly returning my library books checked out under an assumed name, one that you can assume is not mine, when this new Librarian who looked just like Ellie Mae Clampet, wearing one of those bumps as seen on t.v which is supposed to make your hair look thicker but in reality makes you look like you have a brain tumor, demanded I.D. I don't know why I did it. I could have refused, i could have lied, the only thing i can think is being a stay at home mom is dulling my bat-senses.

I gave her my real id. She looked it up and a stunned silence fell across the library. They called out the seventy or so librarians from the back to gaze in awe and rapt disapproval at the person with the biggest single library fine in the history of libraries. $110. American dollars.

I tried bafflement followed by shock and awe and finally my old standby towering outrage.

Nothing worked, it didn't help that we have suffered a flood in my house this week which broke the washer and dryer leaving me very few clothes. Sophie and I were dressed in clothes that would shame an Afghanni refugee. I was wearing an outfit that i thought would make me look sort of Audrey Hepburn but in reality makes me look like a rubenesque Where's Waldo and Sophie was dressed in too small tights the crotch only came up to her knees a too short knit dress and cowboy boots two sizes too large. I could not even employ the adorable daughter factor, as she picked this week to cut her own bangs to a length of two centimeters, which look just like goats have been chewing on her head and recovering from "hand foot and mouth" (a real disease, by the way, and 10 solid days of the swine flu).

She also pointed out that I could not pay my fines in the canned goods I was holding because the food drive was last month, I should have thrown the cheap canned pineapple at her head, I should have run but swine flu has left Sophie weak and the two big pink cowboy boots would have slowed her down. And if Sophie gets taken hostage over my library fines well that is just the kind of thing that puts Bob over the edge, a place he dwells anyway. So I paid ten dollars of my fine bringing it down to only $100 more dollars and exited the library setting off the theft detector. It was a very bad day. I hate all librarians now, not just the Cagney and Lacey wannabee that busted me today, maybe someone should look into why they employ 100 librarians in the library or did they send the bookmobile out to bring them in like a field trip kind of thing. Either way they should be nicer to me since I am paying all of their salaries.

Family Vacation

2009-09-03T08:48:00.005-04:00

This year a lot of our Riverview neighbors went on vacation. They went to Paris, San Diego, and London to see the broadway show Wicked. Here in Amish country we live a simpler life. We took Sophie to Yorktown where she got to belly up to her first bar and later sit in a tepid swamp like stew on what shall hereafter be known as murder beach. The temperatures were roughly that of the surface fo the sun and we were next to what looked like a squatter's camp. The squatter was missing. We think he evaporated in the heat. Anyway good times for Sophie to remember as she has the cheapest parents in the free world.

Matilda Jane Newman

2009-08-14T22:26:00.009-04:00

This is Matilda now. She appear to be a mix, not a Dalmatian cow as Sophie at first imagined. She has the head of a chihuahua, the body of a beagle-goat mix and the heart of a chupacabra. She also has the intestinal fortitude of a python.

Sophie turns 4 and a half.

2009-06-26T16:13:00.006-04:00

We had a birthday party for Sophie. We decided on an evening barbecue on a day when the temperatures reached the love one thousands. with a chance of torrential downpours with a side order of locust. It was actually a lot of fun and I feel very grown up for hosting a party. We did almost poison the guests, Bob's doing, lost his mother, my doing and forgot to give Sophie any dinner. So much for grownups. Happy birthday Baby Girl. Sorry about the sideways pictures, courtesy of Ansel Newman. Just turn the computer sideways. Valerie

prostitute Bob

2009-06-14T10:37:00.005-04:00

I saw the scariest thing today, a family on the side of the road offering to wash cars for money. Not the glee club, or the rowing team but a family obviously down on their luck. I did not stop because i had no money and have lost my bank card which even if it has fallen into the hands of a master criminal is saving me money. I thought it would be rude to offer 3 cans of vienna sausages and 6 obsolete furbees, which was all we had in the car. I worry that this could happen to us and we would have to live with my mother in law, Before I let that happen I will make the sausages last 3 months and have a big furbee sale. Also I would try to sell Bob into prostitution, he has really nice legs and with the right hotpants and the right streetcorner, who knows. Valerie

potato foot is her indian name

2009-06-05T14:30:00.003-04:00

Today someone called me "young lady" In that hilarious jocular tone that young annoying bagboys save for the elderly. I did not cave in his forhead with my elderly fist because my four year old had already stepped on the costco cheesecake and I was at that very moment trying to hide it there at the checkout. She shamed me into buying it by announcing what are you doing with that cheesecake mama like she had a built in magaphone in that dainty throat. In fairness it was a costco Key lime cheesecake and they are so good I would cheerfully scrape it off her potato shaped foot and serve it up. Don't come to dinner at my house anytime soon. Love Valerie

Bacon

2009-06-02T22:08:00.003-04:00

Happy Tuesday to me! I took Sophie to the pool tonight, frolicking about in the shallow end playing "alligator gone bad". Noticed some other parents watching me. Assumed that they were admiring my parenting skills not my right breast bobbing merrily along on the top of the water. They may not have recognized it as a breast since it is so sunburned that ir resembles bacon rather than skin. Then I went home to make spaghetti keeping up the mother of the year status and caught the stove on fire the whole stove. Luckily right now is the Law and Order SVU finale so I have reason to go on. Love Valerie

swimming to Savannah

2009-05-11T17:36:00.004-04:00

This is Sophie and her swim teacher, Teacher Dave. Sophie trusts teacher Dave, a complete stranger, large and hairy and clad only in little swim trunks, entirely, he tells her to cliff dive to the bottom of the pool, wrestle an octopus and return to the side and she does. He tells her to lay back and she will float and she believes him. I told her to lay back and relax and she acts like the four years on the planet and the nine months of womb rental were merely a prelude to this moment where I was waiting to plunge her to the depths of the YMCA pool. Not very flattering. She sees me as something like Jeffrey Daumer, home for a weekend pass. But she is doing very well swimming despite the fact that she swims upright. Her entire little bikini clad body is completely vertical while she bobs along. But she is not scared.

Ruined lives, innocent bystanders

2009-05-05T08:38:00.004-04:00

I haven't been doing much blogging lately since I made the decision to ruin all our lives, also known as the new puppy, Matilda. Yesterday I untangled her from the three balls of yarn she had tied herself up in, cleaned up all the colorful poop in the yard, now I know where Sophie's crayons are and attempted to restuff Sophie's favorite hedgehog. She is really great and the chupacabra known as Lola really loves her despite her hanging off her jowls occasionally. I would enclose her photo but I either lost or had stolen our camera with all our pictures on it. Valerie

Matilda Jane Newman

2009-04-10T08:54:00.005-04:00

Welcome new baby dog, Matilda to the Newman household. We got her from Recycled Paws in Lexington North Carolina. 10 hours of Sophie in the car saying "are we there yet?", which started 7 minutes into the trip, one ticket and one episode of puppy dog car "sickness" later and we are home. She is a great little dog. Anyone looking for a dog, check out Recycled Paws. There is a really nice girl runnig the place, she has been rescuing pets since she was 12. They still have Matilda's cute little brother there. Marina took the pictures at the thrift store for me. Valerie

Link to the ad at
Petfinder.com, the temporary home of 273,898 adoptable pets from 12,536 adoption groups

triple x

2009-04-06T20:46:00.003-04:00

I was so impressed with how many people looked at my blog, utnil I discovered that when people come looking for the movie "little Nadia" with the triple x rating they get my blog. imagine their surprise. Valerie

queen of the bland

2009-04-03T20:08:00.004-04:00

I spent 5 hours with my mother in law today, Bob's fault. He is punisheing me for the past year's absence. Anway we usually go to McDonald's her favorite she gets the absolute same thing every time but this time she strayed off the reservation getting a sundae, I am her interpreter so I asked what kind of Sundae she wanted. PLAIN! Who on earth gets plain? If you have ever wondered if perhaps you are boring the test is- given any toping on a sudae would you pick Plain, if the answer is yes, then yes you are indeed boring. And your Queen is currently residing in Hampton Va, More spiteful comments from the life of Valerie.

singing sophie

2009-04-02T09:48:00.005-04:00

Sophie was singing the Pocahontas song, one line apparently goes "You think I'm an ignorant sandwich" sometimes she is an ignorant sandwich but aren't we all, sometimes. Actual line of song goes "you think I'm an ignorant savage" I apologize to you, who have that song stuck in your heads now for the next three days.

the brown pants

2009-03-31T18:58:00.004-04:00

I went shopping for more grown up clothes the other day. I found the most perfect brown trousers. I was sort of pleased with them, sort of strutting around the dressing room, when I made a fatal error in judgement. I viewed the rear end. Instead of viewing my rear end I was looking at sponge Bob squarepant's rear end. Really, slap a pair of tube socks on me and I could be his stunt double. Too upset to go on. Home again in Norfolk, I have to take my mother in law for a scan of her brain. It will look something like a beach ball with a b.b. rolling around in it. take that karma. Valerie

The certain shunning of Sophie Jane Newman

2009-03-23T11:11:00.004-04:00

I took Sophie to the upscale park, here in Woodbridge Va, the other day. She was the only child not dressed in Laura Ashley from head to toe. Another mother with a tiny fairy confection of a daughter approached her and asked her to play ball with her daughter. She told Soph to throw the ball to her little girl which Sophie did, executing a perfect spiral and landing it squarely in fairy girl's nose. The ensueing screaming was more in line with being clubbed with a broken beer bottle not a nerf football. I have always suspected Sophie was more the Tanya Harding not Nancy Kerrigan type. She loves high heels, lipstick a feather boa and absolutely nothing else, but she is a something of a ruffian. I am so proud of her. Valerie

Happy Birthday to me!

2009-03-21T09:33:00.004-04:00

For my birthday I got the news that I do not have ovarian cancer!I have worried about this for the last year, being around the cancer ward does that to you and the fact that I schedule pap smears roughly every 20 years. I had convinced myself that I had it, I had the symptoms, I know that because my evil friend Marina sent them to me and when I went to the dr for the test she said "Oh I think I would like you to have another test" translation into valerie speak you have roughly 4 and a half hours to live. They scheduled the test for two days later, and it turned out just to be fibroid tumors HOORAY!! In my head I have been composing goodbye letters that rivaled Love story and Brian's song. Explaining to Bob and Sophie why I was not tested, I also promised God and Karma, I like to hedge my bets, that I would be nicer to Eileen, not nice but nicer If i said nice I might as well stick my tongue in a light socket and get it over with faster. Anyway huge sigh of relief and back to life. Valerie

A long cold drink of water.

2009-03-13T14:08:00.005-04:00

I saw the freemarket for the first time today, I read about it but have never gone. It was amazing. I thought that I would be going to a run down church full of very, very poor people sorting thtrough the cast offs of more fortunate society. It was very different. Sophie and I arrived by bursting into a meeting of what looked like the well healed Jr. League. Sophie and I looked like Kosovo refugees, no offense meant to any Kosovos, We lost our only comb a few days ago and tried to make do with a 3 centimeter bratz doll comb. It worked sort of ok on my fine hair but Sophie's curly hair ended up looking like Don King on a motorcycle. I didn't bring Sophie a coat because it was warm, and I am a bad mother, but then it snowed last night so I had to make do with three sweaters limiting her range of motion. Before us were a squadron of well dressed women all working their hearts out. My friend, Cassie Matthew, runs this and was organizing things effortlessly. She was saying sheets there, clothes over there cook wear there. Everyone was working like a well oiled machine, putting food in bags organizing pastries and coffee and putting up signs. If Cassie had said ok now do it hopping on one leg we all would of, she leads by sheer force of personality and charisma. I was amazed at the really nice things people donated, one hotel had given sheets towels and really nice bathrobes. (this was set up day, saturday is the day of the market) At the end of setting up Cassie was talking to some of the jr. league set and the most intimidating of the bunch, thin well dressed sort of aloof started regailing Cassie with stories of an upcoming court date. What's this? A criminal element in the jr. league. The criminal element is my favorite element, next to the honda element of course. Turns out that this pretend jr. leaguer was a recipient and a volunteer who had seen her share of trouble and still had such a great spirit and was so generous with her time. There was something so wonderful about doing this kind of work with these wonderful women, everyone hugs you. Cassie's wonderful friend Terrie Smith was at the forfront of this and while barely knowing me give s these wonderful warm hugs making me feel so welcome and cared for. After the worst year of my life there was something so comforting about the acceptance of this group of women. While I am not terribly religious or religious at all actually, I am really impressed and a little jelous of this group of women of their faith and sense of belonging in the world. It felt like a long cold drink of water on a really hot day. I am very grateful for this experience and am so impressed with all that Cassie has accomplished, she was my college roomate and while not as bad as me she was pretty close. I asked if she was tired and she said a little, turns out she works at night and looks after three boys and manages to work the freemarket. If Sophie strays from the house speciality of bread and butter I feel overwhelmed, and have lay down with a cold cloth on my head. The only sour note of this day was one of the Jr. Leaguers spottless perfect children taught Sophie "talk to the Hand" Sophie of course had to ride home strapped to the hood of the car. Don't tell social services. Valerie

Am I blue, or purple.

2009-03-09T21:01:00.003-04:00

I heard my little girl at the park today telling another little girl that that was her mother over there, the one that looks just like a bratz doll, (cause we both have long hair) I actually look nothing like a bratz doll more like kathy bates in birkenstocks but it was a sweet moment. My little girl thinks I am good enough to be a bratz doll. She is three and a half. It will change. Kind of a bittersweet moment. This spot is supposed to have a purple picture to be in the round robin. This picture is the only one I could find with any purple in it. Sorry Zia mARINA. vALERIE

thank you Dixie Chickens

2009-02-28T22:11:00.004-05:00

It had been a horrible day, my sister fired me, as her sister. I didn't know that could happen, nothing dramatic, Donald Trump wasn't there or anything. It was none the less sad, she also resigned as Sophie's godparent. I cried more about this then I can remember. Anyway on a day when it felt like I would never smile again My tiny darling cheered me up. We were listening to the Dixie chicks and she asked me how they played the guitar. "Do they use Their beaks?" She thinks they are actual little chickens. It must be really fun to be three and a half. And maybe a little confusing. We had a mouse death today and I put the mouse in the trash. Sophie asked if the trash was heaven? The mouse was dead. Dead things go to heaven and the mouse was in the trash. perfect logic. She is building an interesting view of heaven. Our dog Lucy died not long after Grandma and Grandma's little dog C.c. as well. Sophie asks pretty often if they have enough dog food in heaven. So now Grandma has a mouse as well. She won't be pleased. She (my mom) thought I was single handedly bringing back the bubonic plague by not killing our mice. More ramblings from Valerie.

Cassie

2009-02-15T14:44:00.003-05:00

My wonderful friend, Cassie Matthew, has started a program in Richmond. She is feeding and clothing people who are down on their luck.. I am, without her permission, going to post her letter to me so you can see what kind of things she needs. I am hoping my massive following (8 so far) will read this and chip in things they don't need, I will come to your house (unless you are my one tasmanian reader ) and pick it up and take it to Richmond. Write me if you have anything you want to send. Thanks very much. Valerie

These are pictures of us in college 100 years ago. picture on the left is me, betsy bouffant and cassie

Dear Friends

Free Market was a beautiful sight today, again folks are lining up for food & wares before 9, doors opening at 10. Several families had to be turned away because of the zip code, we just don't have enough food to serve them all. Of course before you scream....Jeannie never lets them go empty handed...but there is a system in place to help them all.

We served about 60 families today(over 100 bags of food/fresh meat), and several are not in the zip code, several were served last week and still wanted more food, some were just hungry (Randy whispers thank-you). One friend, Deborah, asked for food she can just eat out of the can/box, without heat, gas, microwave but no electricity, she was honest to say" I got my bag last week at another church", "I was given chicken but have no way to cook it". "I tried to give it away." No electricity, I've been to her home, I forget who went with me in Sept. but she collected water in buckets all around her place. When we drove up, her home is beautiful,

who would guess, she lives in an older house, probably belongs in her amily. She's old enough for SSI, but hasn't yet filled out her paper work, no ride and doesn't quite understand. Her sisters are responsible for her care, the system in place for her is not working. She was

carrying magnolia leaves in her bag, she said "I found them on the ground, is it OK that I keep them?" Guys she might be "slow" she is not stupid, she is the most beautiful woman you have ever witnessed. She refused my ride home, she walked away in her mans coat, mens shoes that do not fit, and her one bag of non perishables...Deborah. She's well into her 60's. She breaks my heart. Pray for her, and so many like her.

We were short on wares, linens, and baby items,... sheets arrived by Patty C. at 6pm last night...6 bags of sheets, beautiful sheets, all gone today. We had NO baby items, Kelly rolls in last night at 9pm...........Filled was her car with Baby gear (Sharon B. & Joy G.) and housewares...GONE..two hours and it's all gone. The desk from the trailer was so LOVED, the lady who took it has just got her first apt. for her & her daughter. Charmaine & Chelsea, she bwled when Megan D. & Kristen D. (teens 15 & 1/2 years old) came in with their own clothes that fit her daughter Chelsea! First hand they clothed that child! It was a beautiful sight, those girls LOVED that lady, loved her as Jesus calls us to love. It's hard for me not to go on and on, but there are great things happening, God is everywhere in it, we prayed a beautiful prayer, and the day was just as God planned it, no food left, wares all gone, gave with all we had.......today.

Needs: Men's jeans: (T.C. needs jeans w- 32/34 (L-36) he needs size 13/

14 shoes, beautiful man, not past 30.)

Marcus needs 38/40(w) 32 (l)

Jennifer has a newborn and needs a bed.

Charmaine(sp) needs all types of furniture and furnishings, has nothing but a desk!(NHPC donation)

Diane: has a great need for a Washer & Dryer for Diane, grandmother caring for twin 5 year olds (size 8) & 15 month old. Their mother is 27 with Jaw cancer, in the throws of surgery & chemo, grandma is not functioning well. Her twins, size 8 (K) need uniforms, white shirts, blue

pants or khakis.

Toiletries, new & used all, hygiene products needed.

CLOTHES: If you donate clothes, I and my pals have to sort them ALL...if you label them or put them all together in like bags, my time would be better spent.

Housewares:glasses, cups, dishes, pots & pans, small appliances, coffee makers flatwares, rubbermaid

Linens: sheets towels, blankets, throw rugs comforters

toys;

Table chairs

NOT ACCEPTED: books Please hold off on clothes unless it's above items, under ware, socks, coats & gloves will always be accepted.

God is so good to me, I pray to make a difference in my lifetime, for Him, and His kingdom, for my children, for the people. God has blessed our home, I pray I will be a blessing to others. I am so grateful for my friends, for those God has put in my life. I thank you deeply for your

heart, your time, your listening ears, your hands, our new friends who braved coming forth.

Thank you......May God Hear our prayers,

Set up Friday 1/30 9:30 -12 7p-9

Love Cassie

my dears

2009-02-11T22:32:00.004-05:00

I'm back at home for a while. Sophie and I drove back yesterday, she slept most of the way home but at one point I brushed her hair back from her eyes and she said "don't mama, I am protected by the dear" I am elated and frightened all at once. I don't know if she is terribly creative or headed for a tinfoil hat. I met another mother, a friend of a friend, she told me that her daughter was an "Indigo child", she said that with great authority, like that meant something real. I have decided to start proclaiming things about Sophie as if they are absolutely the truth. She is Queen of the Dear, or maybe the mice. That will be the first proclamation. Valerie .

joy

2009-02-07T00:01:00.000-05:00

Joy is the beach in the fall and the tiny terrorist running wild in her underpants.

Ironmom Triathalon

2009-02-02T20:51:00.004-05:00

I have decided to enter the ironman triathalon, running up a mountain barefoot, swimming through an active volcano those things seem easy compared to a morning with the tiny alkhaida operative, Sophie Jane Newman. The Iron mom triathalon would consist of dressing the tiny three year old. then redressing her after she took all her clothes off to dance, then running up the stairs shattering your ulna to find her teetering in highheels and a cinderella dress at the top of the stairs, at this point you would lose 3 points if you staple gun her tiny little umermaid underpants to her tiny little bum. next part of the obstacle is to feed the dog and let her out in the yard, then feed the cat, find out there is very little cat food left, run upstairs to dress yourself , come down to find that sophie le the dog back in and he ate the remaining cat food, cat is screaming that she is starving. put dog out lock the deadbolt, feed the cat a can of vienna sausages, come back down to discover that Sophie can now work the deadbolt and she and the dog are enjoying the vienna suasages out of the cat's bowl. Unclench your jaw threaten the child finish dressing throw child and luggage in car, turn on waltdisney cd and have tiny terrosrist say to you that you sound just like ursala the wicked queen in the little mermaid. drive 8 million miles to your brothers, listening to music deemed too cruel to play at gitmo. drink coffee. the end. start all over again at your brother's house. Good luck to you ironwoman

mouse gitmo

2009-01-29T08:55:00.006-05:00

The mouse problem rages on. We have decided, finally, to murder them in their sleep if possible. But meanwhile we are trying to catch as many as possible so they can live, preferably with the neighbors. After capturing them we waterboard them, wrong I know. We use a little wooden spoon and an eyedropper to find out where their little friends are hiding. We also are trying to change the way we look at them. No more Maisy and Stewart Little. This new batch are called Susan Smith, O.J., Adolph, Sadam, Rush Limbaugh and Eileen . All my love Valerie

new job

2009-01-24T22:20:00.007-05:00

Models in the photo are Bob's three daughters, not actual hobos.
I am not looking after my Mom anymore and I quit my job at the Asylum so I guess it is time to look for a new job. Bob doesn't say it but sometimes I can hear his thoughts from across the living room , something like the telltale heart, saying "hey I work 2 full time jobs and take care of my mother who is one thousand years old and really, really irritating, when are you going back to work? "(I may not have heard the part about really, really irritating, I may be making that part up. )
Given my particular skillset and more importantly my wardrobe, I may have to rule out sherpa, my clothes aren't quite that nice and I am kind of lazy, I couldn't climb a mountain if wolves were chasing me up it. But if it comes down to a mcjob or a return to my one day career with 7-11 I have decided instead to hit the rails and become a hobo. Sophie bin Laden will have to come with me I guess she will be a hoboette. She will have to dance in front of a little tin can while strangers throw pennies to her. We will have little matching outfits like something you would see on the old Carole Burnette Show. I am kind of worried about jumping on and off the trains, I'm not very fast and I will insist on wearing birkenstocks. So if things don't work out watch for me at train crossings or where ever hobo's hang out cooking over tin cans and playing the harmonica. That picture is of Sophie and her two pretty sisters, they are not actual hobos. Sophie seems to have a real affinity to dancing around fire. This seems worrisome. valerie

Choose an Identity

2009-01-23T20:40:00.005-05:00

Does anyone else get a little thrill when they leave a comment and it asks them to "CHOOSE AN IDENTITY" Ok I choose Dorothy Parker, with a little Cat Woman, the original, thrown in and maybe Frieda Khalo's eyebrows. Also as long as I'm choosing, I choose to be one of those mother's I thought I would be back in my smug days, before karma kicked the crap out of me. The kind who only watches PBS and cooks organic meals while making every moment a learning bonding adventure. I am a lot like that if you substitute A House Marathon for PBS and a grilled cheese for organic meals and instead of a bonding moment you hear yourself saying eat your grilled cheese Sophie or mama will turn off that idiot tugboat. (that is a real and shameful comment from me) I haven't' reached rock bottom yet, that comes when you hear yourself saying "but I thought you always like nyquil. But close. February resolution. Choose an Identity, other than mine. Now just to see if anyone is really reading this(my true Friends will leave two or three comments so I don't appear so pathetic, please tell me who you would choose if you could "Choose an Identity" nothing sappy please, like I am just happy being me EEEW. Valerie

Being NIce.

2009-01-14T19:15:00.004-05:00

I am getting back to my wicked old self. I know this because my husband, St. Bob of Riverview told me I needed to "learn to be nice" the other day. I can't remember what this was in response to, I think he wanted to know what to get his mother for her birthday and I may have said a case of Marlboro's if cocaine was too expensive. The trouble is not only do I despise being nice but I don't think that it is something you can learn, at least I have never seen it in any community college catalogue. I think some people are naturally nice, My friend Sonia Purkey is genuinely nice. She doesn't gossip or stir up drama and she likes just about everyone, not Saddam Hussein or anything but everyone else. She makes being nice seem easy. But a life without gossip or wickedness you might just lobotomize me now. anyway we are pretty good here. Still fighting the mice and I am cleaning up mom's stuff at her house. I am sure QVC has had to lay off the whole Gloria Petersen Memorial wing. Still miss her, still wicked. My love to everyone. Valerie

Truck snakes

2009-01-05T19:04:00.006-05:00

I'm posting part of my Eulogy for my mother, it's ok, it's not too sappy or sad, I'm still not sure why this is so much easier in a blog than talking to people but anyway here it is. (giving the Eulogy tomorrow, scared to death, taking a xanax before the reading so it will have a nice zombie like quality to it. Valerie

When my daughter was born I remember wondering what kind of mother I would be and what things I would pass from my mother on to her . I had a hard time narrowing it down to one thing that I thought was the most important. Her sense of humor and her storytelling were two things that stood out for me but the most important was her spirit of adventure and her enthusiasm.
She taught her children not to be afraid of trying new things, even stupid things. She took me Michelle and Scott cross country in the 70's, From Virginia. to Utah. Remember there was a big gas crisis then. I remember she took us in an old Volkswagen van to see "Rocky" at a drive in theater. Now mom was always more of an adventurer than a planner, so when the movie was over we found we were almost out of gas and no stations were open. There was room for me, Michelle and Scott to sleep in the van but no her so she parked in a gas station. After bedding us down she climbed in to a strange truck cab with her pillow and blanket to sleep. When we woke at dawn we looked out to see the reassuring site of our mother waving to us out of the cab of the truck. We waved back and went back to sleep. It turned out that once she got in the truck she noticed that there were no door handles or window rollers. She was well and truly stuck and to top it off she could hear what she was sure were truck snakes slithering around on the floor of the cab. I think my mom was so great, how many moms would have climbed up into the cab to begin with and then to be able to laugh about it, we laughed for absolutely years about that.

I really am doing ok, thanks for all the kindness people have shown. Sometimes I think I might be doing too well, but then a box of red berry cereal that we bought when she was alive sends me into paraxoms of grief. It's ok though i think that's all part of washing away the grief. thanks valerie

click photo to view larger version

Glorious

2008-12-28T19:02:00.003-05:00

My mom passed away two days ago. It has been a horrible time and I'm not really sure why I'm putting it in a blog. I haven't called any of the people, except Bob, who are close to me because I just can't face it. I keep feeling like I am walking at the bottom of the ocean and that this can't be real. But it is. Thanks to everyone who has read my blog and left comments. This has been my touch stone to sanity and the real world. Things will return to normal in a few weeks and I know it won't always be this bad. People up here have been very very kind. On christmas day we had to rush to the hospital because mom wasn't doing well and the staff had gathe4redd about 100 gifts for Sophie and wrapped them so that she could have something to unwrap. A complete stranger held my hand and prayed for me. That really helped. I don't even know who she is to thank her. My mom's father in law always called her Glorious, instead of Gloria and she really was. I am glad I was able to be here this year to be with her and to let Sophie know her grandmother. We are taking her body to Utah next week to bury her by her mother. I hope she is with her mother now. My wonderful hsuband gave me the freedom and his blessings to stay here and care for her and I will always be so thankful to have him. Anyway more later as life returns to normal. I never know what to write in these situations when they happen to someone else. I just usually try ot move to another country to try to escape the pain. So for all the people I didn't help, I'm really sorry, I didn't understand. Love to all my friends. Valerie

poor little nadia

2008-12-26T21:03:00.002-05:00

Not a creature was stirring, except stewart little, maisy and Nadia Commenichi. We have captured 3 mice, just 475 more to go. We catch them by leaping and screaming and pushing them into a brita water filter pitcher. When it is warm enough we will release them into the wild. Or the neighbor's back yard. Poor little Nadia got her name because she usually is hanging from the mesh ceiling, little tears running down her mouse cheeks and splashing onto her tiny little medal.

baby Jesus barbecue

2008-12-19T19:11:00.004-05:00

Merry Christmas to all, this is Sophie's baby Jesus barbecue scene. She puts the mangers together and has the Jesus Families drive in a mini van to each other's homes. The wise men and the sheep look as if they were in a bad mini van accident on I-95, it was really Sophie and a red sharpie. That also explains the blood of the lambs on some of the lambs. Sophie added the lounge chairs and the giraffe. I think the Jesus's would be pleased. She has shunned the oversized wiseman who she thinks is carrying a hat full of barbaque chicken, and she thinks the angel is the blue fairy. It may be time for a crash course in Religion. I am asking anyone who reads this to list their favorite Christmas tradition. My favorite of course is the soon to be annual Christmas barbecue. Our only tradition other than that is the annual fight over the christmas tree. when to get it when to decorate it, do we really need all this crappy Christmas music, that's Ebeneezer Bob's addition. A few years ago when he wouldn't go to get a tree the night i wanted I went by myself. The tree fell of the top of my V.w. bug and was run over by a truck and two cars. I took it home anyway and cut off and enormous amount of thumb meat while trying to make it fit in the tree holder. The tree had huge empty chunks that the tires took out and my own blood. Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight. Valerie

ho ho ho

2008-12-13T00:36:00.002-05:00

These are pictures of Christmas spirit in my neighborhood. It's not my yard, mind you, my yard still has a fine sheen of Halloween cob webbing, but belongs to my quirky interesting neighbors. Happy Christmas. Valerie

Help, Help

2008-12-01T13:34:00.007-05:00

I am sending out a desperate plea for help. Anyone having a broken breadmaker that they would like to get rid of, I would love to have it. I will gladly pay shipping. I need this because I threw away my mother's broken breadmaker. If you have been following this blog you know I am staying at her house looking after her as she has cancer. I spent the first few months at her house (it's been a year now) playing clean house and throwing out things like her broken breadmaker and her vast collection of M.C.Hammer pants (no lie, she was saving them because she was convinced they would come back in style) Why you ask would anyone throw away their mother, who has cancer's beloved broken breadmaker well the answer is I am a horrible person and in fairness she has every cooking item even invented and can't cook a thing. Now she is feeling better she is playing pioneer. we (I mean me) chop wood, hang our clothes on the line and grow our own vegtables. If there was a stream near by i would be required to beat the clothes on a rock. Anyay I told her the bread maker was in the basement with the other broken useless items we save forever in case someone in our family opens a broken humidifier store. Any way I have had to develop a whole story around the breadmaker but she is threatening to go in there and search. The humidifier avalanche would probabally maim if not kill her outright. She handled the news of terminal cancer well but hearing of the breadmaker's demise would prove too much for her. She would begin her own private jihad. I can't afford any more jihads. It was the breadmaker that looks like r2 d2 from starwars. I would really appreciate it. Thanks and Happy Holidays. Valerie

Angelina Hallowina

2008-11-11T22:40:00.004-05:00

Halloween has come and gone. It was a great time this year. I love Halloween and the tiny terrorist is following in my footsteps. Candy and Spooky stuff. Hoo Boy! The evening was marred slightly by an industrial accident. Just before time to go to the fabulous neighbors, they really are fabulous, both lawyers, both cute as buttons and both appear to be about 17,with two cute well behaved tow headed children. anyway they were having a little get together so while rushing to get Sophie ready, decorating the yard with a full size coffin and screaming at Sophie that "Aquarium water is not for drinking by humans" she said mommy "why is there hair stuck on your lip. Snotty kid. So I chose this moment to wax my lip. Not really wax so much as pulling all the skin off one side of my upper lip. The left side of my lip curled up like a slug when you put salt on it. It actually blocked my breathing for a while. It's alright though I got plenty of air rolling around the bathroom floor screaming and flopping about like a hooked trout. Later in the evening I had a bite of hot pizza they tell me I flat lined for 3 minutes. I think I played it off alright. Most people just assumed i was dressed as a sneering Elvis or an over the hill angelina/cathy bates look alike. Anyway the glamour keeps on coming. Happy Halloween. Valerie

Amityville Mouse house

2008-11-07T11:43:00.004-05:00

Since I have been staying up at mom's, Bob has been allowing a few guests to stay in our house, as he works two jobs and rarely uses it. I know when I write that, Bob will worry that we will now be robbed. I am skeptical that any self respecting burglar will travel cross country to steal either our t.v. with the rabbit ears or our casio stereo. At one time we had a real stereo until the tiny terrorist used the c.d. slots for bric a brac holders.
Maybe they would like some of our cat clawed furniture?
I think we are safe since robbers rarely read mommy blogs.

Anyway, there are hobo's in the living room, freshly mauled possums in the yard, a chupacabra in our bedroom, when not busy mauling possums, and now mice under the sink.
I suspect they don't always stay under the sink.

I discovered the mice when one ran across my bare foot upstairs. I responded the same way I would of to meeting Freddy Kruger in the shower, and I am not even afraid of mice.
I see evidence of mice under the kitchen sink it looks like a mouse gas station bathroom. We put down humane traps which we hear them laughing at in the night. In the morning we find tiny little party hats and beer bottles.

Last week i found one floating in the dog's water bowl. I suspect irresponsible binge drinking.
So if anyone has a little mouse guillotine or electric chair that we could use we would be grateful. I will have to do it. Bob has never recovered from the scene in the ten commandments where the horses drowned.

Valerie, the future mouse slayer.

BFF

2008-11-04T09:49:00.005-05:00

I left something out of my favorite things, possibly because Sophie and I are playing Hostage-tea-party while I am trying to write. This is a game she made up. Picture you are taken hostage in Iran and are forced for hours to drink tiny, tepid cups of tap water against your will while you make small talk about your doll children and Curious George.
If you will scroll backwards to the "Hippest Mom" post, you will see a comment, or shall I say, rant by my friend, we will call her Bad, Bad Victoria Brown for the sake of anonymity. Anyway I have been trying to get her to write a blog for ever because she is so funny. She chooses not to because she is also selfish and bad.
Victoria is one of those annomoolies, a woman who is beautiful and funny. The funniness makes the beauty bearable and the fact that she doesn't appreciate that about herself. She looks and she hates this very much like Karen Walker on WIll and Grace, and even sounds like her. Look for her upcoming book, "English Beauty Queens I Have Known", and the sequel "Help, My Phone Is Bleeding". She lives in Virginia Beach and is currently raising a tiny Diva and a circus boy.
Picture actually has nothing to do with Bad, Bad Victoria, it's just one I like.

favorite things

2008-11-04T08:45:00.010-05:00

My friend Kat recently listed some of her favorite things so of course I had to copy her. I started thinking about what my favorite things are. So here they are.

Of course family and friends, that goes without saying but for just things.

This room, our living room, makes me very happy especially when we have a fire and really good coffee.

The smell that touching tomato plants leaves on your hands. Gardening, The tomato plant is a picture of my garden at my mom's house this summer.

Sophie having friends in our neighborhood.

The beginning of a book by a favorite author.

Finding an episode of Law & Order with Lenny Briscow that I haven't seen.

Anything spooky or unexplained.

The fact that someone from Estonia looked at my blog.

gossip

Blog comments.

smothers brothers

People who are passionate about something.

Listening to David Sedaris on a book on C.D. on the long drive to and from my Mom's.

The beach in the fall

An interaction with a stranger that feels life changing, No smut please, I mean those moments you share with a stranger that feels very important. After my mother was diagnosed with cancer I was falling apart in the elevator at Walter Ried and a complete stranger wrapped her arms around me and told me it would be Ok. That seemed very brave and very kind to me.

The fact that chemotherapy exists.

Our old dog Lucy and our Chupacabra and possum mauler Lola.

Cheese.

hippest mom ever

2008-11-02T18:26:00.003-05:00

I took Sophie to the playground the other day. It was apparently cool young hip moms who know each other day. No one told me. To ease the agony of standing around making small talk with the jog bra set i ran around with Sophie, (see still young at heart) While trying to take a short cut i slammed my forehead smack into the blue rail booby trap used to hold up the giant slide. I hit it so hard it knocked me off my feet and flat on my back. I couldn't even move i was just lying there seeing stars. I could hear the other mothers forming a committee to pick me up and take me to the E.r I could hear Sophie yelling Mommy what are you doing. I tried to say just taking a little break. I had to limp out of the Park while the twenty somethings supported the elderly. I still have a big red stripe on my forehead. Not so hip. Valerie

2008-10-16T07:16:00.000-04:00

a small good thing

2008-10-15T20:01:00.004-04:00

It's very lucky for moments like these, they balance the rest. Today she painted her eyebrows with Orange sparkle nail polish. Put her hands on her tiny little snake hips and announced. "That's it no more water for you." She will not be my caretaker when I'm old, or older, that's for sure. Valerie

spooky tart

2008-10-14T19:37:00.009-04:00

I am writing this quietly, huddled in a back bedroom, listening for the tiny patter of plastic feet tiptoing up the stairs. Today I found spooky tart in the basement, She is a doll that a neighbor giave us. I love the neighbor, but am less enamored with spooky tart. She is I guess a lolita doll. She looks like a five year old with perky breasts and makeup and little plastic feet made for high heels. Anyway when I went downstairs to the spooky basement I found her laying on a mattress with a pillow under her head. Earlier in the day she was leaning in her usual sad neglected slutty way against an old couch. I know i saw her because when I did I remember thinking I could use her to get on the carpool lane. I guess we will just brick up the basement and wash our clothes down in the creek cause I am never going down there again. I wanted to get rid of spooky tart last year but couldn't think how. She was a gift so I couldn't give her to one of the neighbors. I couldn't bring myself to put her in a plastic bag and put her in the trash and I couldnt bring her the the local thrift stores, my neighbors go there. I had visions of throwing her in a dumpster, someone seeing her and thinking it was a child (a slutty one, calling the police and it making the news. The neighbors would recognize their doll and hate me. A lot of thought goes into this. I can't bear to see toys thrown away, I mean dolls and stuffed animals, not puzzles or anything. I rescued a stuffed animal that someone threw away and I couldn't bear to see it lying on the road I had to pass it everyday on my way to work. It was a white bear with a red bow lying right next to the hampton roads bridge tunnel enterance. 8 months pregnant and drunk with hormones I got out of my car to run rescue the bedraggled bear. I know that all the people in traffic were saying "OH Fred, give that rally poor crazy old pregnant woman a dollar. Sophie has 11 million toys so she doesn't need any more but I always imagine they are laying there wondering what happned. Anyway I digress, if something happens to me tell the world that it was Spooky Tramp. Pictures of her to follow when it is light outside. Valerie P.s. Sophie seems to be flashing a gang symbol in the second picture so not only is our basement haunted but sophie is a Crip, those are her gang colors.

greyhound rescue

2008-10-13T22:48:00.007-04:00

You know how it always seems like everybody elses family gets to go on vacation and have what looks like a pepsi commercial going on. This rarely happens for us but it did this weekend. My brother took us (Mom, Sophie and me) to a greyhound rescue reunion in Dewey Beach Delaware. (mom had a rescue greyhound for 10 years, she loved that dog) Everything went right, the weather was great, we laughed a lot. there were one million nice people with their rescued greyhounds and there was pizza. Thanks Scott, this will be a day we always remember. The tiny pumpkin queen was angry because she wanted to go play with new friend Zuess, actual name Jesus, but she can't pronounce that. Valerie

cancer

2008-10-10T10:43:00.008-04:00

We are all up at Walter Ried again, for Mom's chemo. Things have been going really well, She seems to be doing well, Sophie is being good and at the moment there have been no major fights. Funny thing is now I feel like sobbing. I am scaring my three year old to death. she keeps saying "Mommy, what's wrong" Don't know whats wrong. Either I feel comfortable enough now to have a good cry and picked a very public time or this just seems like a good time for a complete breakdown since I am already at the hospital. Someone was nice enough to ask about adding me to their circle or friends or something like that. I tried to answer yes but ended up frying the whole computer. So if someone from homeland security shows up at your house I apologize. valerie

Cemetery Candy

2008-09-27T09:28:00.002-04:00

Happy Halloween!!! This is my really great picture of Sophie lou Who, age 3. It looks like my gifted daughter was able to look pensive and waiflike on cue. The truth is she found an opened cough drop in the cemetary dirt and promptly popped it in her mouth. I may not get mother of the year again this year but I do draw the line at eating candy out of the dirt of the dead. I should get some credit for taking her out of the cemetary when a very scary looking homeless man wandered out, mumbeling to himself. This was just as the light was getting atmospheric. If you compare this to my friend Kat's blog, she is making applesauce with other perfect oregon mothers while I am teaching sophie how to dodge dangerous homeless persons.

Professional Friend

2008-09-25T15:33:00.003-04:00

This is Sophie and her Dad. He is a therapist which I think is fortunate. If you ask him what he does for a living he will tell you he is your friend for money. Funny Man. 10 things about him. ( I stole this from the next blog over) 1. He loves archeology. 2. and me and Sophie. 3. He is very very patient unless you throw away something of his. then you have to hide out in another country. 4. He loves power tools and guards them jealously. 5. He makes great chicken Fajitas. 6. He is a good son, evidenced by the fact that he is not in jail or on the lam. And I love him, I must evidenced by the fact that I am not in jail on the lam or rehersing the 911 call from his mothers house. 7. he had the enormous good sense to marry me. 8. He likes everything by the Cohen Brothers and Quinten Terrentino. 9. He hates to crush ants or anything for that matter he still feels bad about the horses that drowned in the 10 commandments. 10. He keeps me laughing. "cats on fire"

followers

2008-09-22T15:35:00.007-04:00

I have followers, this is very exciting to me. I look every day to see how many people read this. This blog site tells you 200 some now. I don't even care that most of them stumbled here accidentally because i have the word chupacabra in one of my stories. Two is not exactly Jim Jones and the KooL aid status but hey. It is worrisome that both of my followers pictures look like they are in the witness protection program. This means one of two things A) both of my followers are uni bombers or B) They are so embarrassed that they prefer to remain anonymous. You go followers. Valerie Em

go to the basement and bring me a bottle of green hair

2008-09-18T19:10:00.011-04:00

Since I have been staying with my mother we have been writing a book of her memories, she wants me to pass this on to Sophie one day so she will know her history. She is afraid that I will lie to Sophie and make up a more interesting history. She may be right. Her memories usually could be ripped straight from a walt disney movie with singing mice and little birds holding up her poplin dress. The only interesting stories begin "well we don't need to tell everyone that one". Like the time my uncle ran over someone, he didn't actually run over him he was guiding a truck backwards and had the guy back right over someone. He didn't get fired either. very different world. I was tasking myself on the long drive b ack to Norfolk to think of my own childhood memories and the one that comes back the most strongly is the bottle of green hair. We are Mormon's I didn't mention that did I. Mormon's believe that you should keep 2 years of food on hand and usually can their own food. My Grandma did. My grandparent's owned an orchard so my Grandma did a lot of canning. Every meal she would send me or my sister down to the basement, or dungeon if you are English, The basement was a concrete Bunker about 50 miles long. The only lights were in the middle of the bunker and you had to find a little bitty string the size of a cobweb in the middle of the dark room meanwhile the diabolical water heater would come on with a loud thud making all the blood in your body race to your armpits. After you got the peaches you were required to turn off the light and transverse the 50 miles of darkened bunker to make it to the stairs. My grandfather built the house and he put a dark hole at the bottom of the stairs to keep monsters and spiders I think. The only way to make it up the stairs alive was to run and leap up the first three stairs and keep going. If you fell on the concrete stairs and they became slick with your blood it didn't matter the important thing was to just keep going. At the top of the stairs my Grandparent's kept coats , million year old robes and hats making the top of the stairs look like it was populated with corpses dressed for inclement weather. After this ordeal at the top of the stairs if your sister hadn't locked the door you would proudly give the peaches to your grandma who would promptly send you back downstairs to get the old peaches from the back. Despite the fact that we lived in an orchard in the winter we never had a luscious pink and yellow peach instead we got the peaches from 10 years ago. For those of you who have never had a 10 year old peach you don't know but they look like a giant hairball kept in a glass jar by Hannibal lectern. My grandmother dyed them different colors so they looked like festive goiters.She served them on a bed of creamy cottage cheese.

MERMAID

2008-09-18T12:21:00.000-04:00

This is a mermaid I painted for Sophie's room. The pencil work around it is Sophie's rendition of water. Valerie t

Y

2008-09-09T22:16:00.002-04:00

I am writing tonight with my jaw clenched so tightly that several of my molars have snapped off. My mom, the cancer patient, thats right. Has been teaching the three year old Sophie to add Y to the end of everything. Babytalk Yuck!! so it's not a blanket but a blankey and a veggie and a doggie and worst of all a meaty. It shouldn't be so irritating but it's been a really long day. My mom insists on cabbage and ham for dinner, this is voluntary, we are not prisoners of war or anything. She doesn't want to be a bother so she will make it rather than eat leftover but good enchiladas. This sounds nobel unless you understant that her right hand doesn't work all that well so it would be cabbage ham and little bits of her thumb. The cabbage is so predictably bad that the thumb could only have improved it. Now mom wants Icecream, easy enough unless you are my mom, she wants strawberries blended with them, the strawberries that are frozen to the consistancy of river pebbles, so after I attempt to blend them in the blender I then have to strain the milkshake for big shards of the plastic spoon that shattered in the blender. I am doing all this blinded by the milkshake and frozen strawberries that are dripping off my eyebrows into the strawberry slop. The entire time mom is advising me on every step including my breathing and anger management techniques. But now the day is over and life at the moment seeems pretty good. Mom's chemo is working really well, she has never been sick one time. She and Sopnie love each other and sophie is sleeping soundley in her little Dora underpants. I have been teaching her to say please and it is working. the last thing she said to me before falling asleep was Please don't be really horrible. Mom's really old blender is smoking softly on the back porch so it won't ignite and burn down the house and I have the new Elizabeth George book on tape to listen to (careless in Red) really good. So while I complain I have a lot to be greatful for.

chemotherapy

2008-09-08T10:50:00.005-04:00

Today we are up at Walter Ried Hospital, while my mom gets chemo. She was diagnosed with inflamatory breast cancer in November and given 2 months to live. They said there was no hope at all. Cancel all magazine subscriptions and go home and wait. Very horrible. It is September and she is doing very well.
I wish I could say our story was the kind you see on lifetime but the reality was very different; my sister and I promptly turned into something you might see on Jerry Springer, all we needed was a naked dwarf to fight over, and my Mom promptly turned in Zha Zha Gabor. We have had 3 rounds of chemo and one million shots and pills. They sent me home to take care of her with this advice: give her the big shot at a 45 degree angle. It was terrifying. Every time she said she was cold I thought it was the end. There were no soft focus moments where we shared secrets and lifes meaning but rather moments where she thought I might be the dumbest human alive because I used a steak knife to butter bread. She is using our time together to turn me into Marie Osmond.
In the beginning I spent a lot of time changing sheets and trying to be the perfect nursemaid. I cried all the time and completely fell apart. After on grueling day of changing all the bedding and scrubbing rugs, these are the things they don't show on lifetime, Sophie brought me a little gift, her sippie cup "whats this sophie" she had thoughtfully pooped in the cup and put the lid back on. This was the first time I laughed in months. Anyway things are a little better now. Her chemo is working, she will not go into remission but will get more time. To complete my transformation probabally, look for me with big hair and suntan hose, maybe competing on dancing with the stars.

She talks to dead animals

2008-09-01T22:00:00.005-04:00

We recently lost our beloved cat eddie, not lost him really, we know where he is, buried in the yard. He died. It was unexpected and we had a mad dash to the vet where he was put to sleep, another lie, he is not sleeping, anyway I couldn't bring myself to tell sophie so i just said he was at the dr.'s He stayed at the dr'.s for several weeks untill i worked up the nerve to tell her he had died. That was tough. Lots of questions about jesus keeping our cat, which doesn't seem fair. This is the second cat death, the first was Norman Bates who was about 25 when he died. Sophie used to say he was her favorite cat, then she liked Eddie best and he died, then she liked Phoebe, age 22 at the time of her unfortunate death. Now we forbid her to have favorites, we only have Lola, Lucy and Roxanne, (princess bitch kitten) left.
Anyway Sophie has taken to calling the dead pets on an antique telephone. She sounds really convincing. She pauses and laughs and says "really". It's really chilling. My mom explained to me once that pets are put on this earth to get us used to death. Her most bizarre pronouncement to date. If that's the case I will just get really old pets from the pound. Extra practice that way. Anyway we miss Eddie, he was a great old cat.

murals

2008-08-31T19:48:00.012-04:00

I just finished some murals at a hospital and wanted to show them off. I have been doing murals for a few years and really enjoy them. The tiny tyrant stayed home with dad, when I got home they both looked exhausted.

Chupacapra

2008-08-27T14:47:00.004-04:00

We are the only family in the neighborhood who own a chupacabra, we do not feel fortunate. The chupacabra came to us by way of the Richmond SPCA. The picture showed this leggy, sweet little puppy who had been locked alone in an abandoned apartment building. We have come to believe that she lived there with a family of five, and then there was one. I am sure they left out the fact that when they found her she was surrounded by the carcasses of Mexican goats, most suspicious. Chupacabras, for those of you too young to remember the x files, is a Mexican vampire dog, or something like that. Anyway they feast on goats, and couches and shirts and chairs and tin cans.

Lola, from the moment we got her, has been working to ruin our lives. We put her in the yard and she eats all the shirts off the line. jumping about 5 feet in the air to get them. We put her in the house and she stomps on our feet and ate our couch but not before eating or just opening 6 types of oil paint and walking around the house leaving 5 million permanent footprints. (She really did eat the Couch, at least she opened all the pillows and ran around in the down that fell like snow).
In our yard with the 6 foot fence we have found several murdered pigeons and a possum, the other suspect is a modest sweet retriever named Lucy. I think that there is a plot because my friend Kat also has a chupacabra, they don't call it that, they call it Rocket, but I know the truth. because the truth is out there.

Beginnings

2008-08-25T17:19:00.008-04:00

I am starting a blog at the insistence of my insane, persistent, Italian friend. Writing about my experiences as the second oldest living human to give birth. The first being that 68 year old Romanian woman. She and I will probabally do daycare for each other. I am 47 with a three year old who is the other baby from the title.

Since I rarely re-read or even think as I write, there will be spelling, grammatical and syntax errors. Which my Italian friend will change when she sees them.

I once mispelled public on a big sign that sat infront of Web center, I forgot the L. It read pubic welcome, and they were. True story.

Anyway I digress, there may be others close in age who had similar experiences, experiences like sitting in a waiting room full of dewey skinned 20 somethings who rode their mountain bikes to the obgyns, while I sat there dewey as the crypt keeper quietly sobbing so sure that I had miscarried. I was the most nuerotic pregnant woman ever. Ever!!! My obgyn used to let me come back and have a sonogram to stop my crying so I wouldn't scare the babies in the waiting room waiting to experience natural childbirth.

Sophie, or Rosemary's other baby, was a C section, absolutely greatest easiest thing ever. I know a lot of you are saying "Oh but what about the Joy of natural childbirth?" WHAT!!! Okay anyway I got through the pregnancy and have beautiful little Sophie. Due to only ingesting coffee and coffee icecream throughout the pregnancy she is a little hyper. Strangers, in an attempt to be kind, say "determined" but the truth is she is channeling Osama Bin Laden. She has completely knocked all the arrogance out of me. I have spent 20 years working with children with emotional problems, problems like stabbing people when they didn't get what they wanted and stealing school busses, but my tiny darling seems more challenging then all of them put together. I knew absolutely how to do this and how all of my friends needed my advice. They all got the last laugh this time.

This picture, "sunblock" was taken yesterday. The tiny terrorist was sitting quietly while I stacked little cans of paint for a mural. She was apparently juggling them while I went for more paint. I heard her say "I'm sorry mama" (always a bad sign) and saw the puddle of white paint. I stripped her naked in the front yard, it's ok: naked is her favorite, and ran for the hose; meanwhile she darted out and put her hands and feet in the paint and rubbed it over her body and said "look, sunblock", this was happening simultaneously with my perfect neighbors Lenny,& Sand Adam & Maggie, walking up the sidewalk , on their way to a block party. These are the kind of neighbors who are always flying off to Paris or Guam and going to heavy metal concerts when not involved in spontaneous games of touch football and seem really put together. There I am ready to spray down my freshly painted infant with the hose while she prances around the yard in her dora underpants. The picture was taken by said neighbor Maggie the pregnant jetsetter while I tried to act casual about my parenting skills. These are the kind of events that those how-to baby books don't touch on. So if I did have the attention span to read them it wouldn't do any good anyway.

I had one of those episodes not covered in the baby books the other day. Little angelface was eating popcorn in the living room, naked, really good marshmallow flavored popcorn. When I went in, she said "look mama", very pleased with herself for having arranged the popcorn artistically in her little vagina, that should get a chapter all its own. I just stared at her dumbstruck, my friend Kat would have celebrated this with song and verse and congatulated her artistic sensabilities, I could just envision the horror of the CPS investigation. where I was forced to repeat the word vagina 100 times while telling my sordid tale, anyway I dont' know what to do in situations like this. I had her stand up and shake out the popcorn told her popcorn wasn't good when inserted in the wrong end of the food chain, and then we vacuumed up the vagina flavored popcorn. End of life lesson. When she asks me why we have to do things my way I tell her "it's because I'm bigger and stronger", but since I am old and she is very tall this logic may not get us through the third grade. The letters at the end of my run on sentences are not a secret language or a term of endearment, like my friend Victoria thinks, but merely all the mistake letters that I shovel to the end and leave. more later Valerie rinly a. found pv e agpioroahd ma